Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire

Empire canon

What is it that makes the Empire the most popular faction in the game?

It’s not as if it’s hard to list several potential reasons right off the dome. They have sweet Sith lords, drive cool vehicles, and call people scum all the time with a Received Pronunciation accent. Yes, there are a few out there who take it too far (the “Empire did nothing wrong” types will always earn a side-eyed glance from me) but mostly it’s just people who think that the above things are rad. I’m more of a Republic guy myself (I have been avoiding covering their canonicity like the plague but I’ll be out of options after this) but I’d have to say that the Empire is my second favorite stylistically…although, it’s for a different reason.

I like the Empire because of its magnificent bureaucracy.

You see, I have worked for the federal government in some capacity since the first day I got my medical license. Have you ever been inside a Veteran’s Affairs (VA) hospital? They tend to not exactly be painted with the flashiest colors, which matches well with the fact that the main colors on all but one the non-mercenary units below are black (9), white (7), grey (4), and beige (2). The royal guards are the only ones that stand out, and that’s really a ceremonial position anyway (more on this later). Us Feds also use way too many acronyms (take this one for example, which doesn’t even stand for anything!) and can’t get a damn thing done without having our chip-mounted ID badges (much like the code cylinders that the officers are wearing all the time). This is the same reason I was really into the game Control, there’s something endearingly familiar about these things that some would call “soulless.” It’s not soullessness though, it’s just…pleasantly standardized.

Now then, my colleague Dr. Lucas Ustick recently published a meta-analysis of the current state of Legion. Like most who read it I thought it was a wonderful summary that used hard numbers to lend credence to some and argue against other assumptions that many of us have had about the meta. However, if you can believe it, Dr. Ustick got a bit of doubt with regards to the veracity of an article that didn’t rely enough on “peer review.” While I’ll admit this accusation left me somewhat incredulous, I want to make this completely clear: the canon accuracy statistics below have been thoroughly peer reviewed by literally everyone in the world who is paid to have opinions about this exact subject.

Which is to say, no one peer-reviewed this.

Are you confused? Do I need to spell it out for you people? I CANNOT BE PEER REVIEWED, FOR I AM A MAN WITHOUT PEERS. YOU WILL EITHER ACCEPT MY JUDGMENT AS FACT OR YOU WILL QUESTION THE VERISIMULITUDE OF SCIENCE ITSELF.

Oh also Kyle had to review it because he’s the editor of the blog, hi Kyle. Hi Evan, please change the above to be something less insane, thanks.

Commanders

Director Orson Kenrick1 Krennic

I like starting these off with someone who sets a gold standard. First it was Lando, then it was Dooku…now it’s Krennic. Is it a cape thing? No…maybe…nah………yes.

Anyway, fashion aside Krennic fits the bill perfectly. The character in the movie is a walking inferiority complex, and the unit actually manages to catch a bit of that psychopathology. He pushes others to work harder in an effort to make him look better (Compel) and when he really lashes out he feeds into his own anxiety as much as he does others (his 3-Pip), He is, in fact, the only “support” commander who needs to equip a gear upgrade to give tokens to his fellow troopers, even the generic commanders have him beat on that front.

His frailty is yet another bonus to accuracy. If you give R2-D2 some bonus points for “Inconspicuous” then Krennic is easily the easiest unique to kill in the game, as he is the only named character with surging white saves who doesn’t have a single defensive keyword. He doesn’t have danger sense, or low profile, or nimble, he ain’t got nothing…if he gets hit, he’s gonna go down. This makes sense, after all he was taken down by a dude who’d just been shot, fallen 10 feet, and then presumably ran completely out of breath climbing up 80 feet of tower after all that.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [A+/S]2, 3

Agent Alexsandr Kallus

I do think that “Face Me” covers how quick he is when fighting with his melee bo staff, although half of that was the fact that Rebels and Clone Wars both had a penchant for skipping animation frames in a fight to save cash, resulting in herky-jerky messes. However, I harbor many doubts towards the level of cunning a dude possesses when his plans were foiled time and again by a spoiled, impulsive doofus named Ezra Bridger.

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 1

How this isn’t grounds for summary execution in the Empire is beyond me

Speaking of harboring things, let’s talk about his sympathies. I don’t think that (functionally) three suppression really sums up the fact that the dude totally switched sides and proved far more effective at helping Rebels than hunting them. I’m sorry though, poking fun at Empire players for the number of units they play who eventually betrayed them would be trite.

But…let’s be honest, that’s never stopped me before.

So, for these characters let’s create a new metric (as a Canonologist4 I can do this, it is my scientific privilege), which we’ll call the Empire Loyalty Ratio, to gauge whether they ended up doing more to help the Empire or hurt it.

Empire Loyalty Ratio: -0.67, as an Imperial Agent he mostly spent his time failing to capture or kill main characters, as a Rebel agent he mostly spent his time successfully extracting main characters (and Wedge!) and helping to liberate entire planets.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [C/C+]

Imperial Officer

Ok, I’m actually going to drop the silliness for just a moment, please bare with me.

A couple weeks before this will be published, Kyle “Orkimedes”5 mentioned on Notorious Scoundrels that he thinks the generic Imperial Officer deserves a better nickname than “Becky” because it fails to capture anything that’s actually relevant about her. I agree with him, and I feel like it’s worth adding that this name shares its slang DNA with the term “Karen,” which by now is even more plainly than in days past used as a sexist pejorative across the internets. Read more here from a fairly neutral perspective (Dictionary.com) which explains it better than I can. I have brought this exact subject up with multiple lady gamers and the universal response was that this use of the name doesn’t feel good to them.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I’m not calling people out or shaming them, and I have little doubt that pretty much zero folks who have used the nickname are purposefully being hurtful. But let’s be honest…how often do you actually hear people referring to the Rebel generic officer as “Gideon?” Or as any given name? And what is it aside from faction and uniform that makes him, along with all the other generic commanders in the game, different? I think you get the idea, especially when you consider that all the names in the article linked above have a negative connotation.

Some fun suggestions for a replacement: Ruth (she is a “Ruthless Commander” after all), Jen (for “generic,” PilotPaul’s idea and Gen Con Champion Izzy Gambliel has decided to start using this), Tala (Similar hair style, oops though she defected too!), or Pryce (who she’s modeled after). Or maybe just call her the generic officer or as Kyle suggests “the Ruthless Commander.” Anyway, we here at TFT obviously don’t don’t have any say in what you choose to do, but hopefully it’s food for thought.

Ok…back to the canon

Given that this is meant to be any old officer, I’m most reminded of this dude, who walks up to several armed revolutionaries (including a Wookiee) and expects them to just “Freeze.” Han doesn’t even need his pierce two gun to knock this guy into a Star Wars hole. The kicker? His name in the canon is literally “Dyer.”6 Given that generic officers Dye die just about as easily in Legion, I have to give this some pretty high marks. I also recently found out that his old Star Wars CCG card labeled Colonel Dyer as “Force Attuned which really makes his cause of death quite an embarrassment.7

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 2

Fun fact, Dyer was played by Ben Burtt who is basically the guy responsible for all your favorite Star Wars sounds. His scream was his own attempt to mimic the Wilhelm, and it was pretty good!

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [A/S]

Emperor Sheev Palpatine

If you can believe it, Palp’s canon accuracy was actually enhanced when “Burst of Speed” was released. Let me explain.

Star Wars: Battlefront (the EA version) is canon. And in Battlefront…the Emperor is a geriatric Tesla coil on rocket boots. These games honestly are a lot of fun in general because of how much the sights and sounds evoke the fiction, but scooting around a map at something faster than a standard soldier’s sprint while zapping fools by the dozens is truly a highlight. Yes, we never got to see him traverse ground…quite like this otherwise…but canon is canon damn it! Burst that speed and be proud of it!

My only complaint is that his 3-pip is pretty much strictly worse than Yoda’s when Palp is the guy who not only orchestrated like a hundred murders at once before pwning the little gremlin in their one-on-one fight. Still, that’s a minor point, his other commands fit outstandingly and Pulling the Strings is a joy. I’d like to think that ability doesn’t involve the Emperor actually talking to the guy who’s going to do the extra shot, instead relying on a series of threats to higher officers that eventually trickle down to a poor scout sniper who is sweating bullets…he knows he’s just gonna miss anyway.

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 3

Beautiful

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [A/A-]

General Maximillian Veers

There is a book series (which has wonderful audiobooks as well) called “From A Certain Point of View” that’s basically a short story anthology about many of the side characters in the fiction. In the Empire Strikes Back version of the series Veers has his own story, “The Truest Duty.” Basically, it covers the Hoth act from his viewpoint so its somewhat interesting. In listening to Sam Witwer’s narration of it however, I was struck by one thing in particular: he’s a Vader fanboy, like, pathologically so.

When Ozzel dies? “Well that’s what you get when you argue with Lord Vader.” When he sees Vader’s messed up scalp? “Gosh I’m just so amazed that Lord Vader can endure so much pain.” While he’s experiencing his dying breaths (Hobbie’s speeder crashes right into his cockpit, and the short story is pretty darn suggestive that Veers himself kicks it when this happens) he spends his last moments telling himself “I won’t fail you Lord Vader!”

In digging further into his canon material I came across this amusing set of references:

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 4

I had to look this up. Apparently it was a magazine, and you also got little helmets. It also seems that a lot of info on Veers is collected in these. Oh boy!

So let’s sum up: Veers, who was perfectly and ignorably “fine” in the film apparently needed a series of helmet-based mini-magazines to flesh him out. Additionally, the one piece of written fiction that really focuses on him reveals him to be an obsequious toady with no personality to call his own.

I’ve now realized that I haven’t even mentioned the Legion unit yet here. It’s fine! It works well in Blizzard Force and with a shore line as well, and uh…I dunno, it’s Veers. Movie Veers. But, whether I like it or not (I don’t) I’ve looked deeper into the canon to find the truth. When the Legion unit is effective but a bit vanilla and the true canon Veers is a gross servile insect of a man it’s fair to say that they don’t line up too well.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [D/C-]

Iden Versio

Iden (along with Inferno Squad and…Shriv, I guess) is somewhat unique in being a named character in Legion who came right out of a video game and I have to say that the FFG devs truly nailed it…almost. Pulse Scan gives you a good shot and a standby because it shows you where the enemies are. Tactical Strike is emblematic of how you play FPS’ in general, you tend to walk (not run) so that you can take careful aim before shooting. “Concussive Blast” is an alt-fire of the TL-50 specifically, which does involve a small cooldown in BF2 (hence the recover action). ID-10’s range in Legion does seem a bit short compared to the game when you can send him to the long end of a space-ballroom, but the dice and the keywords seem about right. That sniper rifle though? It should totally just have a whole other armament slot, it was literally a shoulder button that you could use whenever you want.

Ah well, aside from that the rest fits pretty great for Imperial Iden. Yep, that good old…Imperial…

Empire Loyalty Ratio: -0.9, let’s take a look at the list of missions in Battlefront…

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 5

LOL! Sorry but…her first expansion shoulda been a rebel.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [F/D-]

Darth Vader

There are some Empire players out there who will never be happy with the star of their show, but I honestly think that Reliable 2 (through Darkness Descends), Compel Corps, the new command slot, and everything he started with? It’s basically perfect, and I think speed 1 is in some ways the best part.

The scariest villains, especially supernatural killers ala Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees…they don’t need to run. They walk because escape is impossible to escape, unless your name is Luke Skywalker…oh, or Obi Wan but only when he was younger. Ah shoot, or the Tantive IV. And, Cal Kestis and Cere. Maybe he actually should have walked a little faster?

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [A/A+]

Empire Loyalty Ratio: +0.9, it’s a shame really that he gave up his no-hitter right before he died by killing his own boss

Operatives

Darth Vader

Op Vader was also majorly improved when they got rid of spur in favor of plain old speed 2. It was difficult to imagine the Dark Lord looking down at his watch going “Ooooohh! I’d better hurry! Feets don’t fail me now!”

But you know what they didn’t change? His two dice (!) “Force Throw” attack. Is this a force throw for ants? Between the comics and Obi-Wan we see “apprentice”-level Vader tossing around literal tidal waves, AT-RT’s, and gigantic cargo ships.

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 6

So uh yeah listen I don’t want to harsh on Yoda or anything but he had to concentrate real hard for like a minute to pull an x-wing out of a swamp. Vader literally strides into a hangar and in a split second is all like “nice ship LOL”. Seems like at least a FEW more dice than two blaster shots to me.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [B-/B+]

Cad Bane

Ok so I have a canon confession.8 Until I watched Bad Batch I either never saw the episodes that featured Cad Bane’s little droid friend, Todo 360 or I, possibly, suppressed all my memories of him. I must say that few things have dropped my immersion in a story like a lead balloon the way an ugly droid voiced by a deft-less Seth Green does.

And yet, since Cad’s “Empire work” consists exclusively on two Bad Batch episodes where Todo is featured prominently, then I must say that distaste for the character matters little. Empire Cad isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on without a Counterpart upgrade for Todo that would be literally nothing more than an extra point of health that Cad can toss out there when he’s getting sniped.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): [D/C]

Boba Fett

I find myself troubled. For now, Boba Fett’s unit card is finally emblematic of the character that generations of Star Wars fans worshipped despite what was for decades a near total lack of dialogue or any backstory that was worth hearing about (for the younger fans, believe me, you’re better off now). Boba Fett was “halfway there” from pretty much the moment he first showed up in the game right up to the release of his newer “mercenary” style card.

But…they just…couldn’t…stop themselves.

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 7

Remember how CIS Maul (appropriately) can’t do Shadow Collective shenanigans? Well it seems that canon matters for mercenary command cards unless your name is “Boba Fett, Infamous Bounty Hunter”. The upcoming Rebel Boba’s 3 pip suggests he is working with others as a team (FAT CHANCE!) and in his 2-pip that he is using his gaffi stick to bludgeon dudes. By the way, a “keen” observer of the card art may note that the bludgeon-ees are literally stormtroopers. You’re telling me that Boba in his Empire days was palling around with his little merc friends and swinging large sticks around? Fat chance, you’re on notice Boba Fett!

Empire Loyalty Ratio: +0.3, I can only assume that he nabbed a lot of troublemakers for Vader over the years, probably enough to make up for the dozen or so stormtroopers he murders after getting his armor back post-Sarlacc.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): C-/C

Boosk9 Bossk’wassak’Cradossk

Yes that’s really his name, no idea why we don’t use it all the time

In Battlefront 2: Bossk is a creepy lizard guy who shoots people, throws poison mines, and has an ability where he fires devastating shots very rapidly

In Legion: Bossk is a creepy lizard guy who shoots people, throws poison mines, and has a command card where he fires devastating shots very rapidly

Bossk also has a short story in “A Certain Point of View,” I listened to it in order to figure out if it added anything to his character in the canon. I have below a list of the ways in which it did:

Grade: booSSSSSSSSSSSSSk with p-value of 0.000000000001

Corps

Stormtroopers

I have a deep appreciation for the fact that the original developers of this game started the whole thing off with a meme, in the form of the “Precise” keyword. What can I say, they nailed it, right down to the fact that non-surging red saves can be as shockingly unreliable as their armor is in the films, which is apparently not QUITE enough to repel the likes of rock slings, spears, or certainly any gun that’s ever been fired in the Star Wars universe.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): A+/S

Cold Assault Stormtroopers, “Snowtroopers”

I’ll admit that the whole “Steady with Speed 1” thing eludes me a bit. I watched all ~10 seconds of their canon appearance in the Hoth scene of Empire…it’s true that they didn’t like, sprint anywhere I guess but I also saw them shoot once at the Falcon from a standing position. And I sure as hell didn’t see either of the heavy weapons they were given on the cards. Losing “Precise” compared to Stormtroopers checks out though, those eye-holes are tiny!

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): C/C+

Coastal Defender Stormtroopers, “Shoretroopers”

I’ve always considered the idea that the Empire outfitted Stormtroopers per the environment they were expected to fight in as something that is equal parts rad and silly. Leave it to the Empire to take something that was meant to inspire esprit de corps without adding any real tactical value (the unit markings of Republic Clone Troopers) and turn that idea into something more practical. Are you chilly? Bring a snowtrooper. Do you hate sand? Bring a sandtrooper, they love sand! It used to be even sillier, the various elements of the old expanded universe just couldn’t stop themselves; check out this amazing panel from an old comic below:

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 8

They’re swimming single file to hide their numbers, fewer footprints that way

Anyway they shoot black dice and have Target 1 which I can tell you is dead-on. Why?

  • One of them kills a named character (Bodhi Rook) which I’m basically positive is a thing that regular stormtroopers have never done.
  • The E-22 has two barrels. Wow! That’s twice as many as the E-11.

Nice work FFG. About that mortar though…

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): A+/S

DF-90 Mortar Trooper

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 9

FFG Dev’s invented this. That’s cool! But this ain’t about inventiveness, and it’s definitely not about coolness, so kindly take your imaginary weapon and GTFOH10.

Grade: i2 = −1

Special Forces

Imperial Royal Guard

Much like Boba Fett it’s impressive how much has been made of these guys, considering that their original role was to…stand there. Like, they didn’t even help the Emperor when Vader decided to throw him into a Star Wars hole. In search of more material, I was reminded of this clip from the series finale of Rebels in which a few show up to use some freaky levitation pikes before getting beaten by a child throwing rocks around. So, it’s difficult to even say what IRG’s are supposed to do, when we basically haven’t seen them in proper action at all.

But…ok, fine, let’s put all that aside. The release of Magnas exposed what the actual problem is with these “Royal” guards. I once played a game in which an Air Support from a clone commander that had a chance of wiping two sniper strike teams in fact wiped out zilcho because one of these chaps was standing nearby. So…I’m sorry, but are you telling me that the Emperor would be cool with HIS bodyguards diving in front of a scout trooper?

Yeah….nah

Grade: F, p-value<0.001

Inferno Squad

Generic Imperial Special Forces as they’re portrayed in the game don’t actually exist in the canon as best I can tell, so let’s just skip to Inferno:

  • Seyn Marana Nameless Inferno Squad Member: Dies first11
  • Del: Does technical stuff, snipes, dies second
  • Hask: Charges in, barks orders at lower troopers to mask his insecurity, dies last
  • Iden is bae to them
  • Integrates well into pretty much any mission/list

Empire Loyalty Ratio: 0, Del spent the highlights of his career as a Rebel and even fathered a future member of the resistance. Hask, however makes up for it by basically being the cringiest war crimes super-fan level of Imperial officer one could ever ask for.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): A+/S

Scout Troopers

I’m not exactly sure what’s low-profile about someone wearing bright-as-hell armor, and anyone who’s seen The Mandalorian knows they ain’t exactly “sharpshooters.” Also, in Jedi: Fallen Order they’re actually a melee enemy that carries around hefty stun batons that do some kind of stun damage, which goes against the single black “unarmed.” We can only hope that the inevitable “Scout Trooper Heavy Response Team” in Tempest Force can turn things around for this poor little unit.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): D

Death Troopers12

A̷̡̛̛̗̜͓͎̞̯͖̪͎̯̰̜͐̀́̀́̿͌̀͒͊͋̕͠ț̸̢̻͈̞͓͈̜̹͗̎̏̓̈̇͐̎̏̑͘̚̚ ̷̡̫͙̮̻̮̻̩̰̼͑̃͋̃̓̾̏ş̵̨̢͎͓͕̱̤̱̪̹͚͙̥͈̽̈̈́̈́͊̄́͝o̶͎̩͚͎̲̮͇̝͗͑͂̈̓͗͛m̸̨͖̪͈̯̳̯̰̂̉̄͛̃̀̒̄̒́̋̐͝ȇ̴͈͈͉̺͓̏̎ ̵̪̃͒̈́͛͐́̃̄̔͊̓̿͛̚p̷̨̢̬̤̥͍̹͎̠̊̍̽͑͜͠͝ó̴̧̧̨͓̝̬̳̦͓̤̤̞̣̫̂̓̉̍͋̕ͅi̷̧̡͉̥͕͕͎͕̩̗̙̿̈̀̈́̆̋͛͂̊̍͜n̶͉̭͋̀̔́̐͗̽̔̂͘ț̴͊̇̉̂͑́͐͊̑̑̆̈́͘̚͠ ̴̧̹̖̗͈͎̣̀̄̏̿̓̈́̌̔̐̉̍̔̕̕͜J̶̹̰̱͇̫͔̳̳̼̠̣̮̘̺̑̈́͒͐͂͐̐̀͊̔̕ạ̴̹̹͙͖̺̠̤̞́̔̓̋̀͝ÿ̵̧̛͈͖̺̞̣̫̰͔͊̔̒̂̈́̆̊̇͒̈̚͠͠ ̸̞̲̽͒͠ó̶̼͖̭͙̟̞̜͈̗̞̖̐͗̿̀͐̉̒̈́̏̽͊̂̈̾r̴̢̨̤̞̙̼̳̱̣͊̎͐̾̿̍̒͜͠ ̴̧̝͍̭͌͋̽̆́̔̕̕̚̚͝͠K̸̢͗ȳ̴̢̬̪̩̘̘͖̬̩̦̟̋̿̈́̌͂̑̋̋̽̆̕̚ͅl̴̛̥̬̲͉̼͉̯̿̈́̀͛̏̀̔͐͑͐͗̒̃̿ę̴̛̛̮̗͖͖̝͚̳͈͔̗͊̀̊̒́̔ ̷͚̫̪̽̓̃͑̌̅̊͜͠͠ö̶͓̣́͑̅̓͊̒̈́͗̈́̃̽̄͠r̷̛̭̘͚͍̯͈̥͒͂̄̓̎̆̕ ̵̝̗͛͊̔͆s̶͇̲̟̘̻̎̔̔́̍̓͜ȯ̷̢͉̰̺̣̫̙̪̮̭̣̟̺m̸̘̽̇̌̑͛̿é̸̡̡̨̛͚͍̗̖̥͖̗̤̘̦̫͉͋̒̈̀͑̕͝ŏ̸̧͈͕̩̲̲̟͚͛n̵̼͈͈̬̼̺͉͎̊̎̑ͅe̷̢̢̪̦̱̦̰͎̻̻͌̀͆̎̉́̈̽̈́̋͂͒̈́̇̒ ̵͔̜̬̫̍̌͋͋̑͠e̶̹͋̎͂̅͌̐̔̌̐͑͐̓̀̕l̴̘̤͉̩͉̮̆̄͂͆̚s̴̨̨̢̧̻̣̼͖̣͖̗͇̣̗̓̎̓̇͒̔̊́̅͜͝͝é̶̡͉͍͇̠͖͙͇̞̱̝̇̐͑̀͂̕̕ ̸̢̧̨̣͔̩͔̲̠͈̟̦̱̣̺̀̀̃͛̌̿͋̈́̉̿̎͊̚w̴̨̟͙̦̭̣̆̇́̎̀̆͛͆̂̀͊h̴̠̲̼͛̓̇̇̂̽o̶̧̥͉̘̝͒́̓̈́́̎̋̌̈̕’̷̧̧̜͓͎̑͒̒̓͑͗͜͠s̶̳̙̟̯̤̀͑́̐̓͘͝ ̶̢̢͖̭̞͛̉̍̓̓̏̔͒̈͘͠͝a̴̛̛̹͚̗̹͊̀̌̇́̽̑c̶̡̢̺̹̲̬͖̮̝͓̰̋̑́̃̐̂̓̆̈͌͋͝ţ̵̐̆̾̇̿̀̍͛̋͆̉̃̚ͅų̶̬̗̟̖̞̗̹̮̑͆̏ą̷̦̲̜̮̺̯̞̲̺̖͜͠ļ̴̥̱̱̥̊̋̔͑͌̌l̶̨͍̥͇͊͐̆͂̈́̎͗͛̐͘̕͝͠ŷ̵̧̛͈̥̳̺̦̹̲̳̼̯͊͋̒͐̓̿́́͋͊̓̀͑ ̸̡̢̡͙̖̥̲͓͍̳̟͇͎͗͌̇͗͋ŗ̷̨͔̲̫͙͍̣̣̮̰͈͚̲̏̀̓̇̍͒ẹ̵̠͚͉̫̬̲̾̀̈̇͑̃͋͋̑̃̃̚͘͜͝ͅs̵̛̝͖̤͍̲̰̪͚̹̓̄͑̽̀̋̒͑͑̀̑͆̕͠p̶̨̠̖͕̝̭̰̘̮̺̀̅́́̓͘ơ̶̧̧̡͔̜̤͓̫̗͉̜̬̳̅̍͊̓̒̀͛̇͑̇͜͜͝ņ̵̛̠͔̘̮͇̥͝s̸̛̖̱̩͎̃̌̿͑̊̑̉͂͂̈̚i̵̘̞͇̩̥̤̪̓͜͜b̷̨̥͚̖̱̥͕̘̗̙̬͐l̶̡͚͎͚̣̙̟̄̓͊͗̊̀̂̈́̚̚͜͠ȩ̶̛̱̪̫̗̭̘͈̬̯̳̌̀͌͑͛͜ ̵̥̟̳͖̗̮̺̖̎̾̇͑͌͂̄̃̇͝ͅi̵̺͐s̵͔̰̓̾̓̉͗̀͆̀̒̐ ̴̡̢̨̡̮̼̳͇̣̹̠̦̖̊ͅg̷̡̟̹̬͉̱̠̼͚̰͕͈͇̜͒ǫ̷̛͖̲̠̘̤̜̭͆̚ͅi̴̮̳̤͎̤̪̯͂̽́̈́̑̂̓̒̈̊̕ň̸̫̻̲̻̱̟͙̝̳̦̣̞͕̃́̈̈́̚ģ̶̨̙͇̗̞̎̂͛̉̂̎͆̕̚͝͝ ̸̢̢̢̢̜̗̞̠͇͉̥̈́͆̐̑̑̋̏t̵̘͇̬͉̬̰͎͓̬͈͓̙̠̠̘̒̋̐́̀͝ơ̴̡̨̝͎͓̤͎̭͗̀̂ ̴̢̤̙͙̓͋̍̇̀̇t̸̡̧͇̻̀̑͌̄͘ẹ̸͇͔̙͔̘̟̼̖̥̺͖̦͉̳̀̇̿̔̿̓̅̎̄̀͑̇̕̚ļ̷̯̘̬̼̅̏́̈́͛̂̋̽́̕͝͝ľ̷͚̺̤̱̹̿̌͗͛̑ ̸̖̞̺̫̣̞͑̑̍̈̎͘͠m̷͔̘̞̱͇̤͇͉̦̤̏͌̈̃̇̅̔͗͛͆͝ę̷̹̘̼̣̘͙̖͙̝͉͂͂̇͜ͅͅ ̸̛̛̣̫̭̰̱͇̠̘̈̆͑̈́̽̈͌͐̇͝͠”̶͎̪͕̣̄̂Ĕ̵̛͇͖̒̌̃̋͂̈́͛̀͑v̶̙̘͇̚̕͝ą̸͍̳̠̖̮̀͊́̀͘͜n̵̢͇̠̖̹͍͓̗̼͍͓̜̣̻̉̍͂̀̑ͅ ̴̭̤͓̖̯̣͆͐̍t̶̢̡̩̯̹̠̥̝̯̮͆͂̽͌̂̚h̴̨̬̤͙̼͔̙̰͓̎̊̀́ͅḛ̸͔̻̣̭̯͎̻̜̫̼̥̝̈͑̈̑͊̌͒̌͒͌̈́͝s̶̨̮̒̈́́̀͂̈́̃̆̆̂̇è̵̦̪̘͓̤̈́́̈́̇̾̈́͐̾̓ͅ ̵̜̗͓̹̝̥͔̌̽̈̃͜s̷̨͙̫̞̯͔͖̆̀̈́́́̔̆̽̿̕i̸̢͇̥͙͍͇̺̠̬͒̉͑̈͂̕̕g̵̳͖͂̀͘͝h̷̩̺͚͔͚͇͓̳͔̣̀̆̽̓̌͝t̴͇̜̪̼̫̜̜̻̹̙̫̻͂͌̂̈́͝ ̷̧̼͍̱͍̼̝̻̯̞̤͎̤̜̈͂̂ǵ̶͇͙͚̋̾͐͌͊̓̄̿̌̌̈́̕͘a̸͉̰̬̻̪͔̓̌̀͋̓͊̈́̓̕͘g̴̤̒̍̀͊̍s̷̨͔̻̳̠͙̥͇̗͈̤͙̏̄̓͘͠ ̵̧̨̛̰̻̫͇̰͓̦̖̠̜͒̆͋̉͛̍̊́͑̊͘͝͝ͅj̵̼̖̯͉̈͛̅̂̓̒̎̑̎̈́́̍̀̄ͅu̸̗͔̗̳̜̟͍͍͆̾̉̒̉͘͘͝ŝ̶̨̻̙̥t̴̨̩͎͕̼̬͙͔̜̦̪̰͎̆̄̄̃͒̒̾̚͜͠ ̶̢͉̦̱̼̤͛̈̑̈̆̈́͊͆́̐̆̀̈́ā̵̛̲̠̹̾̔̇͑̒͑̓̕͠r̵̩͖̕ę̷̧̫̪̥̪̰̈́͛̎͂͑̃͛̀͝ṅ̷̨̛͖̭͉̫͔̲͈̦͚̗͍̼̼̙́̈́̂̂͗̿̌͗̓͊̓̍’̶̢̛͔̊̇͐̎̇̒ṫ̴̫̭̝̅̓́̾̒̏̕͜ͅ ̷̨̗͕̳̳̟̣͗̃́̓̚͝f̴̡̪̹͇̼̠͚͓̟̍̀͛͊͒͒̉͑̃̔̉̄̓͘ͅú̸͉͔͓̟͍́̏͊̊̓͗̿̇̎͆̓͘͜͝n̵̨͚̝̙̳̟̊̋͆͗̋̔̈́̔͊͘n̸̡̜̺̲̙̜͕͍͙̹͆̈́̕͜͠y̸̛͇͉̯̖̠̙͆̀̿̓̀̑͆̎̓̒̃̄͐ ̸̨̨̡̧̛͕͕̣̝̲̳̘̺̯̅͌̀͛͜ã̷̧͚̜̘̺͙̹̹̩͋͋̐̇͛̍̓͆́̾n̶̮̠̠̓̆͗̑̉̔͜y̷̩͚̟̗͕̬̫͕̟̅͗̋͗m̶̨̛͚͊̋̽̓͑͗͘͝ǒ̵͙̼͚̫̎͋́̅́͛̕r̷̺͓̦̰̹̯̱͚͖͖̓̓̏͗̒̇͘e̶͖̩̟̦͔̙͚̭͍͎̰̤͍̺̿̍̎͐͂̃̑̈̇̂̾̚͜͝͠,̵̡̟̜̟͉͍͉̼̰̂͋́͝ͅ ̸̜͕͈̗̿̊̋́͒́̈̃̂͝͝y̴̢̡̛̭̜̙̠̜̱͈͚̳̣̙͓̑͛́̍̆͌̐̍́̍͑̕͘͜o̷̡̞̼̼̦͛͋̅̄̌̌͑̄ų̴̡͇͇̰̞͐ ̵̢̡̹̦͔̘̪̹͓̘̜̠̰͊͗͌̔ḥ̸͖̺̪̪́̉̾̄͆͌̄̈́͒̕͠a̷̢̡͓̹̞̩͍̹͔͕͌͌̒̑̍͌v̴̧̦͙̬̳̭̙̜͙́̊̉͊̕̕͝e̶̤̹̙̱̊́̀̅͌̈͋̆̽̾͂̓̚͝ ̸̖͎̻̲̰̤̠͗͒̓͐̊̀̋͜ṫ̷̼͕̘̫̣̞͍̙̖̩͓̙̹̼ͅơ̷͚̿̂̽̾͜ ̷̼͚͉̫̣̯̤̺̼̙̼̖̝͚̼͊̐͆̇s̷̡̧͖̤̭̐̽t̴̞͉̑̄͑̈́͂̆̓́͑̍̂̐͆̓o̶͓̖̲͔͚̹͗̌̉͛̽̾̈̌̅͜p̸̧̧̖̻̲̜̖̰̮͕͍̻͗͊͊.̸̧̙̥̱͖͓͖̺͍̠͔̞̣̳̎͒͐͆̌̇̓̕̚͝͝ͅ”̵͔̼̭̦̗͔̙̞̣̆ ̷̡̲͖̃͗͆͒̀͠͠ ̶̜̥͇̊̈́̔̈́͗̅̏͂̈͛͜͠͠Ą̸̞̟̣͗͗n̸̼͓͚͖̪͉̺̱̩͙̿̿̃̑͂̓ḓ̴̛̦̼͇̺̫̩̙̘̱̯̪̮̩̙̍̎̀̈̎̽ ̷̧̢̛̩̖͈̳̼̦͓͔̟̖̑̐͐͒̈́̊͊̍t̵̢̡̢̛͍̥̙̱͚̤̺̙̫̼͛̀̌̋̈́͆́̀̿͘͜͜ḩ̴̙̯̤̝̺̤͉̠͎̯͍̳͖̈́̆̊͊͌̀͛͊̆̚ȩ̷̭̯̲̹̠̉̀̈́͊̃̍̇͗̓̽ͅņ̶̥͉͇̦͔̀͑̽̓͝ͅ ̷̧̛̱͉͇̜̬͍̱̻̒̿̉́̀͘͝͝I̵̡̗͉̭̝̙̜̖̰͔͙͙̩͖̥͛̅͌̌̈̿̌̓̚’̴̯̺̙̰̯͎̱̪̥̓́͜ĺ̷͈̋̎ͅļ̵͈̙̱͖̝͎̰̤̺̏̆̓̀͊̃͠ ̶̧̗̮̃́̍͑̓͋́̏̇͊̆̚̕s̶͇̪͙̻̅a̶͈̗̟̼̯͖̹̹̻̹͓̬̮̓̇̊͊ÿ̴̡͚͕̰̗͙̘̩͉͓̦̗̹̜̬́ ̸͕̾̉̔̚t̶̡̨̲̖͎̗̝̙͕̲͚̜̀̽̂͆͌̆̔͒̿͆͝͠͝ȍ̴͖̗̈͊̉̂́͠͝ ̷̡̖͉͖̯̭̘̹͊́́͆͋͂̍̒̉̋t̴͙͈̞͝h̶̡̢̢̡̝̻͇͎̥̲̭͊̕̚̕ȩ̷̩͎̞̼̝̫͍̞̩̫̜͚͔͑̿̄̇̀͑͒̕͘m̷̨̩̪̜̱̜̻̭͈̦̰̞̻̣̏͊̌͌:̴̤̣̯̩̮̻̾̊̀̃̀̐͑͆̔̋̔̾̕ ̴͉̲͚̪͕̞͖̗̗̞͌̉̎̆̇͘͜͠͝ṱ̸͙̫͖̲̫̦͎̻̥͙͖̇́͌͂͑̓̀̓̇̚h̶͕̞̣̼̜̖̙͇̟̙̝̞̳̃̾͛̊̊͗̊͌ͅę̷̡̮͚̰̮̪̟͙̰̄̈́̇̈́ ̵̧̡̩̭̫̦͇̩̼̪̭́̿̽̎͝ͅj̵̧̛̛͍̮́̾̈́̆̏̈́͘̕ó̴̱̪̖̊̃̄̐͛͂́͂̃̕ǩ̶̼̦͉̲̩̠͚͂̈̎͝e̸̹̙̫͓̞̠̼͕̫̘͌̆ ̶̨̨̮̗̮̘̭̞̻̬͔̪̟̊̏̔̄̈̀̍̇͗̑͝ͅi̸̛̟̖̍̔͐͊͋͊̈́͌̚͠͝s̸̼̮̗͍̗̤̟͗̋̀͠͝ ̴̧̱̜̗̳̺̱̇́̈̐͘͝ò̸̧̧̻̺̯̩̜̳̠͍̟̪͂̄͊̄̉̉̄͝ͅn̶̨̧̛͕͉̰̜̲̼̠͖̙̿͊̔̃̑̓̽̆͆̏͘̕̚͜͝ ̵̡̧̦̪̩̋͐̑͒͐͂̉̋͂͊̈̋ͅy̸̛̟̺̜̜̮̘͕̲̼̯͐̆̏̈́͝͝ȍ̵̠͜ü̸̡̡̨͇̞̙̘̩̫͂ ̵̨̲̥̊͆͒f̵̢̨̘̙͙͔̫͑͑͂̿͋͘͜r̶͖̳̭̹̲̰̥͍̪̹̳͍͖̖̐̑͋̃̅̿̉̃͜͠i̴̡̮̾͊͐̽̓͜͝e̷̮̦̳̹̭͋̈́͆́͛̌͆͝͝͝n̵̢̡̧̗͖͚̠̭͓̤̓̿͑̇̃͛̄̋͛́̒͘̕͜͝͝ḑ̷͇̈́̇̆̓̅̈́̓̔͂,̷̪̳̻͓̪̟̖̥̿̒̀͌̃̿̊̊̇̇̏̏̕͠͝ ̷̲̯̣͚͓̭̥̦͔͒̍̋ẗ̴̨̛̲̦͇̤̰͓̂̈́̓̑͋̀̋͐̅̽̀̚͘h̶̨̹̗̹̉͆͂e̵̢̮͓̭̘̱̜̮̔͋̂̒̑͗͂̽͠͝y̵̤͖͉̓̉̉͊̂͊̉̋͌̀̕ ̴̜̖̱̭̾̄̂̉͝͝͠ẁ̸̯̞̳̘͇̇̈́͝e̷͈͕͍̙͎̙̻͙̼̜̥̭̾r̴̞̱͉̈́̉̈́͐́̂̽͝e̸̼̝͚̰̙̖̯͈̪͙͕̫̋͊̄͗͂̑̈͆̔̕͠ͅ ̶̦͒̇͊̈́͛͗̆̀͆̚͝͠ǹ̸̦̪̥̞͚͆͊͐́̉ě̴̖̱̼̤͖̥̮̎̉̇͑͊͊̏̽̃͐͜͠͝v̶̡̡̪̘̖̪͉̮̫̪̰̅͛̇̏̈́̑̑͗͋͊̏̈́͆͠ḙ̴̭̠͙̜̣̺͛͋̇́͊̀̓̿̈́̿̌̊͘r̵̢̳̬͉̫̭̝̖̹̰̰̩̰̿͗ ̴̢̛̳̳̦̘̞̥̣̤͈͙̫̭̒͐̄͌̀̓̆͛̀̃͑̿͜͝ͅf̵̭̝̼͕̦̩̩̈́̈͛ũ̷̧̫̹͇͚̬̥͇̼̂͗̓n̴͍͈͕̬̞̩̍͂̑̈̽͝n̶̰̥͇̫͍̆̓̿̎̂̒͝y̸̛̫͋͆̀̈́̆͒̎̈̓͠ ̴͍̹̳̜̃̈͗̔̀̅̊̆̍̇̉̀̎̑͠ț̸̛̺̩̬̫͓͇̪̝͔̃̏̌̃͠o̸͕̿̌̓̊̀͐̇̾̎̈̌̎͝ ̵͈̈̿̚͘b̷̪̲̹̙͔̝͇̒͐̍̈̆e̵̡̧̬̭̞̙̦̪̩̠͐ģ̸̘̝̙̺̯̋̃̿̆̂̐̋͆͐͋̒̓į̴͇̬̠̱̖͈͉̫̠̙̈́̂̎̒͐͗͐͆̀̈͘̚͝ņ̸͈̺͔̪̘̮͕̈́̚͝ ̵̨͇̫̖̺̝͋̃̍̈́͜ẘ̶̡̧̻͍̣̱͙̳͕̘̰̩̲̯̈́̿͑͆į̶̠͉̰͍̮̜̣͙́t̶͈̹̆̌̔́̆͗̽̐̚̚͘͝h̷̖̥̱͚̙̻͍̿̇͗̊̈́̋͛̀͝.̴̨̛̣̯͈͍̝̟̀̈͋͝ͅ
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̴̡̛̻̪̰͙̹͎̦͓̯̱̃̃̉̉͆͊̈́̑̊͝͝D̵̨̳̟̲͎͇̺͎̑̇͑̾̇͌̃͂̒̇̆͑̓͠ȩ̵͔̥̫̮̮̻̻̲̾́̓̃͑͒͒̒́̄̾̚͜ạ̴͚͖̯̥̩̯̝̹͍̅̒̾͘t̴͖̲̯͎͍̯̲̥̯̝͙̩̥͑̈́̋̔͊̐̿͘͜͜͝͠ḩ̶͚̹͕̂̎́̀͋̉̐͑͆͝ ̴̢̡͙̥͔̤̖̫̖͉̈́ţ̶̡̡̞̮̝̼̥̟̠̹̪͉͂͜r̶̗͇̻̻̫͔͙̦̮̤̪͔͓̤̺̍̀̑̔ơ̸̡̧͔̭͇̗̪̻̝̦̳͉͉͂́͗̓͊͝ͅó̷̡͔͔͉̮p̵̛̟̊̈̓̈͋̑͆̆̒̀͝ë̴͉̜͇̥̲̟͍̖̙́̐r̵̢͉̫̗͍̰͍͓͐̈͑̿̓̑͌̅́̚͜͝s̴̨̨̖̬̺͓̦̮̠͈̼̟͈̿̾̿̌͛̐̽̍͂͘ ̵̡̡̢̗̟̹̝̦͓̫̞̯̲̫̋̿̎̉n̶̢͙̮͚̗̹̯̘͚͛̆̽͑̐͘ė̴̮̞͎͎̳̥̬͇̦̺́̓̓̒̊͘͠͝v̴͉̳̓͌̕̚͠è̴̝̰̹̯̝͔̪̥͉̻̯̈͜ȓ̷̨̡̲̰͙͎͔͚̳̽̇̋͛͊̑̿́͛̈́̏͑͠ ̴̧̧͉̘͎̫̺͔͎̯͈̙̺̠̾́̋͋̚â̵̟̻͍̠̲̟͍̱͕̋͜ċ̵͎̖̬̤͚̳̜̣̼͈̖͓͂̐͑͋͑̓͆̑̄̃̕t̴̨̳̱̦͚̻̥̺̺̩̜̳̙̰͛̆̌̄͜ű̴̻̩̀͝͝ā̷̢̫̳̰̙͕̊̓̓́͗̆͂͆̍́̅l̴̺̰̺̠̈́͐̍̒̇̕͝͝͝͝͠l̸͍͈̼̲͈̂̇͜ÿ̵̱̦̲̯́̉͒́͑̆͐̚͝ ̴͚͉̘͉͍̼̓̄̆̂̔̚͜f̴͖̘̥̌́͑̉̅́̓̏̒́̽͘͝ö̴̧͓̦̰͈̘̣̞̳́ų̸̛̲͖̭̱̣̹̺̬̫̟̘͌̽̊̄͊̋̉̏̑͌̈́̚͝ͅǵ̶̛̛͕̳̟̼̤̠̠͐̍̏̀̈́̿̽̿̈́̐h̸̰͍͋͐̆́́̃̈́̎̉̏͛̕͝ẗ̸̨͚͖̭̻̟̈̂͐̿͐ ̵̧͔͇͕̫͔͎̳̓̂͆̎̿͝ͅa̶͎̠͎̙̟̠͚͆͘l̷̫͎̼͗̈́͘͘̕l̴̫̠͇͙̼͇̟̤̅̔̂̾́̈́̀̉̅̋̕ ̵͈̜̪̮͓̦͎̝̝̙̤͙̠̐̓̉̔͜ͅt̵̹̫͚̮̱͍̤̓̿͒̊͊͝h̸̘̥̺̭̩̜̞̯̤̭͖̗͕̰͂̾̎͆̈́̐̈́̓̽͠a̷̞͎͚̫͙̗̪̮̗͒͂t̶̤̱͓͇̤̻̃͒̏́̐̈̋̓̕̕͜͝ͅ ̴̲͈̱̈́̒͌̈́̇̚w̴̡̮̳̫̻̮͙̯̓́͐̓̂̐́͒̈͋͛͛͝ė̴̢̧̬̱̙́̉̕ͅl̷͖̺̪̤͕͚̪͐́̅̌̓̏̀͂̀̑̈́̑̄ͅl̵̗̎̎͊̀̓̀̅̅̚̕͝͝ ̸̜͙̹͉̹̬̟͈͖̬͚̜̤̼̈́͛̋̋̐̋̀̂̅̅̊ͅi̴̡͇̲̹̼͎̪̥̻̯̖͌͋n̴͉͖̹̠̣̣͙̼̼̯̝̲̈́̈́͌͜ ̸͕̮̱̞̥̰͑͐̒͛͝ͅṚ̵͖̗̞̱͐ò̶̢̨̰̤̳͉̱̘̳̻̩̮̻͜͝g̵̢͇̲͔̃͐͐ū̸̱̞̖͖̰̳̻̠̽͆͊̓̈͊͊̋̂̕͝e̶͈͆͂͌͋̒͌̆͘͝ ̵̨̡̖̝͍͉͇͛̽͆̏̉̄̎Ỏ̴̝̫̲̯̒͗́̀́̾̂́̈́n̸̨̫̗̙̟̮̺͚̣͉̭̼̠̾̋͊̈͂̈́̐̓́̇͝ë̷͕̖̱͉̼̹̹́̈́͠,̵̧̬̥̣͉̈́̀̌̓̚ ̴̨̢̫̼̟̙̪̖͍͉̲͈̘̺̓͜ā̷̡͇̳̻̯̺͖͓̼̹̆͋̄̌͑͊̃̓̒̀ ̴̢̧̡̗͚̠̣̙̬̗̣̺̯̘̰̓̆̂̄͝w̷̹̲͓̺̦̪͕̭̤̝̗̰̺̒͊̈͝ͅh̴̦̭͓̻͕̝̎̍͊̾̓́͋̕͜ͅo̸͓̮͇̻̥̖̣̝̹̟̭̘͚̖̾̑̚̕͜l̴̡̢͔͖̜̦̝͈̘̣͇̱̯̬̊͌̆͑̊̎̍̍̀̾̍͛̄̂͂e̸̡̳̱̯͚̼̲̲͈͆̔͌̒̀̃̇̈́̍͘ ̵̭̀̉̿̿̔̓́s̷͖̳̯͈̒̈́̈́̋̇̕̚͝͝q̴̡̗̗̗͙͉͇̅̀̀̀̒̀̃̀͐͘͘͠͝͠ͅu̵̢̥͔͔̥̼̝̜̜̒͐̂͐̈̃́̈́̀͝ḁ̷̢̣̫̜̘̫̜͔̗̖̄̇̔d̷̘̞̝̙̺̪̗͗͗̈́̈̂́̇̉̉̈́͂̅͊̕͝ͅ ̷̢̢̗͖̥̘͕̠̟̫̑̅͑̐͗̕͘w̸͔̹̜̭̓̒̓́͛͗̔͌́̀́͑͐̾ͅe̴̢̼̠͖̯̗̥͐̈́̏̆̔̈́͘͠͝ņ̷̛̮̹͇̺̞̮͚͗͂̌͐̀́͠t̵̘̞͈͈͕̳͎̊̈́̉͛̐̆͘ͅ ̶̧̯͉̻̼̰̥̦͈̫͖̒ḑ̷͉̳̙̬̪͇̞̺̺̰͖͖̘̐̉͒͑̅̓́͗͠͝͠ͅơ̸̲̞̄̐̇̇̃̅͆͊͝͠w̴̛͖̻̳͓̠̙̤̩̣͓͕̅͌͊́̄͂̓͛́̆͊̏̔̀ņ̸͎̖̥̺̙̋̆̀̈́ ̵̠̘̖͖͖̮͔̾͆͑̋̈́͋̔̍ṱ̸̨̡̛̛͇̫̼͙͔͍̟̆͑̀͋͐̈͋̀̕͝͠o̸̢̡̱̼͙̞̖̼̟̠̠͗͆͌͜ͅ ̸̨̧̱͉̣̫̗͎̫́̀̔̀̀̽̀̌̕̚B̶̜̮̥̠͔̪͙̽̿̋̐̌̒́̿͊͂̿̆͒́͜͝à̶̡̱̥̦̜̹̞̼̥̗̅̋̅͒͑̾͌̈́z̷̡̢̨̝̹̣̠̘̥̹̏̅́̉̑͆̅̇͆͂̅͆̚͜ȩ̷̧̛̻̩̞̬͚̙͙̲̬̌̑̔̓̑̀̓͜ ̸̡̖̜̹̟̝͖̩͔́̈́͐̆̆̃́̈́̊͆͂̏̊͜ẇ̷̧̫͎͈̝͖̻̻͙̺͓̘͗̉͆̃̉̃͊̈͂̕͝h̸̡̧̛̙̤̝̹̘̱̠̄̀̿̉́̋̀̿͒͘i̷̺̙͇̼̭̩͉̯̝̟̇̍̅͂́͗̃͗̚͘͝c̵̢̛̺͍̫̰͖̪̫̫̯͕̾͆͐̈͛͗̍̀̏̑̉͝h̵̡̲̺̙̪͚̰͔̒̀͐̄̏ ̷̡̧͉͈̭̪͓̱̣͈̥͚͇̇͌̏́̂̎͋͛͐̂͘͜͝f̶̟͍͚͚͕̞̬͔̦͔̻͉̠͓̖́̋̅̔͊̈͛̿͂͗̀͘ȋ̸̮͙̟͇̳̺͍͋̒̄̏́͂͛t̴̢̫̰̫͝s̶̢̨̭͐ ̵̨͍̞̝͕̊w̸͇̌́͋̂͐̀̊̈̑͒̍͋ì̸̭̫̹͕̣̬̼͚̖̱̝̜̈́t̸̯̖̮̮̲͎͊́̕ḩ̴̖̟̫̲̘̏ ̸͚̣͎̹̰̄t̷̛̼̗̺̺̮̱̒͋̈́̎͝͝h̷̯̪͍̪͈̘̤͖̳̳̮̮͛̍̉̚͜ͅȩ̷͕͍̹̫̠͈̤̬̲͇͙͚̜̓͋̒̔̍̍͆̃͊̀͘͘͠͝ ̷̞̹̥͛́̓̓͊g̴̻̖̹̞͖̪̮͔͇͉̦̥̎̊̆͒͊̈́̕͘̚ͅa̷̺͉͑͂̿̅͌̍̊͆͂̀̿̚͠m̶̫̞̝̋̆̃̓͑̀ẽ̶̬͎̙̥͎̱̺̯̹̜͉̿͛ ̶̨̧̧̧̳̮͈̼̗̘͔̏̇̑̔w̸̧͈͚̞̹̤͈̮͉͐̓̓͋͌̈́̃̊̃̓͆̎͜͠h̷͔͗̅̀͒́̒̃͂̈́̄͋͆͠ȩ̷̰̦̂̒̓̚n̶̢̧͉͍̮̺͇̰̹̺͑́̐͒͑̓͒̀̑̀̕͝͠ ̷̨͍̖̜̜͕̏͋̒͗̅͘̕ţ̵̫̲͑̇̀̀̔̑̀͌͌̓h̶͔̹̣̯͖̤͉̼̦̝̫̠͙͂͊͋̆̇͐́́͊͒̊͒̚̕͝ͅē̷̱̲̬̪̰̼̟̻͙͔̏̓͑̐̒̏̄̆̀̕͜͝͝͝y̸̲̜̼̪͉̙̗̘̼̺̱̳̝͙̐̈͒̾̌͝͝ ̸̡̡̛̜̞͔̺̺͓͖͍͙̖̖̒̀̓̾́̈g̸̢̢̹̞̺͓̥̱̤̜̖͉̦̽͛̓̔́̕e̸̡̨̗̲̰̯͉̣̘̟̫̬̣̫̭͂̈́̍t̴̡̬̭̫̺̬̱̪̜̬̒̎̃̃́̉̄̉͂͝ ̵̝̼̻̭̱͙̅̓͂̇̈͋̍͌̚w̶̡̡̛̗̥͇̜̰͓͎̟̖̍̎̑͂̿́̐r̸̨͇̫͖͍̺̣̖̯̭̭̫̲̮̎̓̓̇̇̽̓̅͗̚͝͠͠ę̶̞͍̮̜͈̩͎̗̞͇̝̳̺̟̅͑̄͑̑̉̂̉̉̕c̸͕̳̬̗̰͙̲̤̲̈́̃͌͑̒k̸̩̐̏̀́̀̂̔̈͆͘͝͝͠͠ẽ̷̢̛͇̰̲̜̩̳͜͠d̶̳͍͔̖̳̊̓̎̈́̔̚͜ ̷͎̣̽b̸͈̮̙͋͐͋̈̆y̷͙̟̠̾͌̄͐̓ͅͅ ̴̨̩̬̹͙̼͚̦̫̭̳́̽̊͝ą̶̧̡͕͎̺͓̇̈́͌̉͌̓͐͊̚͠ͅͅ ̴̡̠̤̯̠̲̼͚͓̦̘͍͆̎͘n̴̡̧̻̪̬̗͔͉̬̘͚͇͂̄ͅͅä̸̢͚͈̩̝̝͕̳̘̬́̅̈́m̴͇͈͕̤͉̤͍͉̈̆̈̕͘͝ͅę̶̛̭̹̰̣̱̠͉̣͔̺̦̉̀̒̈́̆͘l̸̢͕͙̥̗͖̯̤̜̪̪̟̀̉̔͗̎́e̴̬̞͘͜͠ŝ̴̨̢͚̳͈̺̱̊̉̈́̃́̄̎́̏̎͌̚s̸̛̛͉͕̦̫̮̟̺̓̓͛̋̎͑̽̊͐ ̶̝̞͚̩̙͇̤̰͕͎̖̳̞͖̿̔̉̽̄͐̉̕͘͝͝͝s̵̩͆̅̑̊̎̍̐̅̚͝n̵̼̥̤̋̎͛̄͑̂͛ị̵̄̉͐͊̏̈́̄̆͘p̴̫̠͖̤̺̣̒̈̈́̒̂̐̐̎̍́̋̑̾̚͝ę̷͔͔͜͝͠ͅr̸̨̧̛̟̟̺̻͕̹͉̼̖̙̈́͆́͗̍̈́̅͑̄́̀̋͜ͅ ̸͚̼̪͒̉d̵͔͉̜̼̩̲̄͆̅̓̉̉̆͐̕͝ư̶̧̡̡̟̗͓̣̰͚̺͔̥̪͓̣̓͒̅͛͗̀̅̊d̵̨̪̗̻̦̳̰͓̹̫̩̫̠̘̙̋̓̏̂̋̈́̑e̴̢̎̓̃̅̓.̸̡̱͙̠͉̺̬̱͇̀̏ͅ
̴̢̝̫̯̳̭̋̂̕
̷̟̰͖̊͌͂̀̋̏̉̔̕͠͝Grade (95% Confidence Interval): Ȁ̵̛̟̣͛͒̈́̃

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Dewback Riders

Shockingly, this creature that only used on one planet doesn’t have a ton of material to draw from (even if that planet is Tatooine, which is the biome version of “Tax Day” in Star Wars). I did find this nugget on StarWars.com though!

Rugged reptiles with thick hides, dewbacks are plodding but reliable mounts. When prodded by their riders, they are capable of brief bursts of surprising speed.

Star Wars Databank

No Dewbacles here!

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): A/A+

74-Z Speeder Bikes

When FFG adjusted the “Speeder” rules to make compulsory moves more flexible, they did a great service for making those units more fun to play but did a tragic disservice to the canon.

Speeder bikes in Star Wars seek out 2-meter high obstacles like they’re suicidal floating truffle pigs. I honestly wonder whether we’ve seen a single Imperial Speeder Bike that was flown without later crashing, if it’s out there it’s in a deep minority. Their weapons and survivability to damage from sources other than the poor reflexes of their own drivers seem about on-par with their canon appearances but…come on FFG…bring back the speeder crash for the greater good!

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 10

Strong work

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): D/C-

Emplacement Weapon/Heavy Blaster (EW/HB) or “E-Web” (for casuals)

This would be my favorite silly Imperial acronym if it weren’t for the GAV (see below). This thing was on the level of “it’s a big gun, so we assume that it was cool I guess” for roughly 40 years since the highly competent snowtroopers of Blizzard Force™ were unable to set up the damn thing before it could be fired. Thank goodness we got to see it in action in Mandalorian!

Moff Gideon spends a good minute hyping the thing up, talking about how it was shooting drop troopers out of the sky. So…are troopers in the sky range 3 or less??? That’s weird. Also, when I re-watched this scene I noticed that this was the second time this gun was ever seen on film, and also the second time the Empire never actually got to shoot with it since Mando is the only one to do that after IG-11 distracts everyone. Well, third time’s the charm Star Wars, looking forward to the Empire firing it in Rangers of the New Republic…?

This is a tough call, I’ll give it a head-start because it turns out that Imperials in the canon actually use the thing about as often as Legion players do. However, the unit misses that fact that apparently the generator explodes instantly and violently when shot by a small blaster pistol, so clearly it should do AOE damage if it dies to a crit.

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 11

The “Red Barrel with a flame symbol on it” of Star Wars, apparently

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): B-/B

Heavies

All-Terrain Scout Transport (ATST)

The ATST is probably a Top-5 candidate for “things in Star Wars that don’t make sense” list. Let’s take out the part where ground vehicles seem fairly limited for a world where everything can float…it has such a high center of gravity! It has a battle against logs, AND LOSES! While these walkers weren’t…enormously impressive on Endor they’re quite efficient at mowing dudes down in Battlefront and on the table top as well. Looking forward to the Raider version, which I assume will have Independent: Aim 3 and Immune: Everything unless your opponent is playing out an imitation Kurosawa plotline13.

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): B+/A-

Low Altitude Assault Transport / law enforcement (LAAT/le)

It’s basically a SWAT truck in the air, and it’s clearly shown taking a full squads of guys around, both when Plo Koon is scooting around doing bad police work in hunting Ahsoka in Clone Wars and for the Empire when one gets hijacked and one somewhat sharp turn spills three guys onto the pavement. When they show up in Jedi: Fallen Order their blasters are little machine gun peashooters and it dies to two laser blasts from an actual space ship.

Seems accurate!

Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire 12

Apparently, ropes and metal clips are out of budget scope, Death Stars don’t pay for themselves you know

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): B/B+

Tx-225 Ground Assault Vehicle (GAV) wheeled Occupier Combat Assault Tank

We’ve found it boys and girls, The Ultimate Acronym, which is redundant in at least three different ways. Why we are not calling this thing the TGAVwOCAT on the regular is a complete mystery to me, get on that Empire players! The guns seem to track with Rogue One, good but not like…all that good.

The only trouble is that we never saw the canon GAVw trying to turn. I have described this to new players of the game as being roughly similar to parallel parking in Downtown L.A. on a friday night. Luckily, in both Legion and in Rogue One no one has to worry about this too much since they get disabled after getting shot 3 times or so in their gigantic weak points.

This one has always made me a bit sad with regards to its playability because I love the simple but efficient design, it’s very Empire! Don’t worry though TGAVwOCAT fans I’m sure the next RRG will finally put this graceful beast over the top!14

Grade (95% Confidence Interval): C+/B-

Footnotes

  1. Source: Ministravaganza 3 Stream
  2. Confidence intervals are usually formatted in text as 95% CI [LL, UL] where LL is the lower limit of the confidence interval and UL is the upper limit. But for the sake of readability, I’m going to use this format, this is supposed to be science for me and fun for you after all.
  3. Submit all complaints/stat questions to our reception desk, https://twitter.com/swstabcast
  4. Please do not contact University of Washington asking for my credentials on this matter, I can validate that I am an Assistant Professor of something, what that thing is are details that are unnecessary for me to get into. There will be no further discussion on this.
  5. Who just won NOVA Open with her by the way so maybe let’s listen to his opinion. Also, hi again Kyle
  6. Wookieepedia, “Dyer,” URL: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Dyer
  7. Thanks to Seattle player Matt Smith for the heads-up on this, and yes I know “force attuned” was a funky thing with the game that doesn’t really mean what it says
  8. Canonfession
  9. Source: AMG Stream
  10. I’ll believe Legion itself is canon when they edit Pykes into 22% of every single fight throughout the movies
  11. Seyn was the fourth member of Inferno, she killed herself to maintain cover during an infiltration mission that takes place before Battlefront 2
  12. Death Trooper speech translator link
  13. Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Samurai
  14. LOL…LMAO

3 thoughts on “Ranking the Units by Canon “Accuracy:” Empire

  1. Alroon Mig says:

    SUCH A GOOD READ! I just side-peered this article and approve of everything in it. About Karen/Jen, I would actually make the case for calling her by her rank, which is the Imperial to do, if we could agree on which it is. Captain? Lieutnant? Then, finding a last name is nex step. That would reward her with the required gravitas for providing us with such efficient point usage. 🙂

    • David says:

      As far as I can tell, the line of three red boxes on her official art does not correspond to an official rank, but a single line of 3 squares in either pure blue or red and blue seems to signify a lieutenant of some kind.

  2. John B. says:

    Absolutely love these articles. Great job on Footnote 3, maybe that will give the Stabcast something to do other than talk about the games Tim has lost.

    You are great-ish Stabcast! You are almost a favorite Legion Podcast of mine!

Comments are closed.